im a green-eyed monster

His name? Muhammad Sulaiman Nasrullah 🙂

Isn’t he cute? Adorable? Smiling at his father (I guess) *sigh*

Suddenly, just so suddenly, I am feeling broody. I got a news, one of my married friends, got a baby boy. I suddenly feel so jealous. Is this one of the sign that I’m going to be a woman? I really don’t know. Just blame the PMS. Have a look on his pictures. He is so cute! I bet he will be a good+handsome+smart lad. My reason? He have two intelligent adults (so he will get a lot of scaffolding), his mom is an architechture student of International Islamic University, his father is an ustadz. Plus, he got a perfect combination of his parents’ profile, and I consider he is lucky because he is definitely healthy. Anyways, congratulation hamizah. May Allah bless you and your family.

Weak Pass

Kepada yang pernah membaca entry ‘pasca musim imtihan dan portfolio’, kali ini saya bawakan berita gembira.

(Saya tetap gembira walau dapat weak pass)

Terus terang, saya lebih tumpukan study saya kepada timed-essay kerna portfolio ini garis penentunya cuma ‘pass and fail’ sahaja. Jadi, kenapa mahu bersusah score untuk ‘pass and fail’. Anda cuma ada dua kebarangkalian. Untuk mendapat good saya memerlukan lebih banyak bahan untuk menebalkan portfolio dan perlu mengorbankan masa study yang priceless. Semoga usaha saya diberkati Allah.

to the one whom i love so much

i never met Him
but people talks
that He loves me
much than anyone ever
people talks
good things about Him
i never heard
people who met Him
dislike Him
people talks
how tough was He
people talks
how romantic was He
people talks
He’s perfect

i really regret
of doing things that He doesn’t like
i really regret
of not listening to His words
i really regret
of not giving back my love to Him
i really regret
of not practising a lifestyle
that He asked me to
i regret that
i betray Him by loving other guy

dear Allah,
i love Him so much
and i know He loves me more
but i know i dont deserve His love
i know He has the right not to admit me as somebody to Him
i know He have many people who can love Him more than i do
i know He have lots of best choices
i know i will not be the best among the best
i know i will not be even good enough for Him
im afraid He will think that im not fit for Him

what i know
i love Him so much
we never went for a date
He never treat me goods
we never have to declare this relationship
we dont even have to show off our relationship with a ring
He never knew my name
but I know He loves me

and im so sorry
for showing this *PDA
i love you so much
you are the best guy in my life

rain in summer

This morning, it was raining. The weather seems to know her feelings. Black cloud weeps until evening. A sorrow summer. Amby stucked in her room and not sure of what was her feeling when she woke up that morning (she woke up late). Normally her feelings in the morning determines the start of the day. Then she did laundry, doing some things in the college, walking and see other people, she was trying to break herself from the cocoon.

She missed someone badly. Someone who knows what to do and what to say to her. Someone who knows her very well. That person is 400 miles away from her. Having trip in a great city. Amby doesn’t want to spoil her trip. Until when she wants to depend on a person every time when she got into trouble?

Anyway, you must be wondering, what is Amby’s trouble anyway? It was Nick. Last evening, they had an argument over silly things. Nick doesn’t understand Amby’s feeling and Amby don’t know how to make clueless-Nick understand what is she’s trying to do. It was a dumb argument. Last time, they already came to a conclusion about their future path. But last evening, Nick invites a fight by reopening the ‘matrimonial’ subject again. And the reasons he gave her was silly. Unacceptable. The reasons that he gave to Amby is obviously showing that he is afraid of comitment. He told her in her e-mail:

I’m sorry. Do you want to know the reasons why I don’t want to get married early:

  1. im not redi 2 be a gud husbnd..
  2. im afraid that im not d rte person 4 u...altho i love you so much...
  3. im afraid you will always cry and not happy with me.

Then Amby wants to make him think, that she herself is not perfect for him either and that is the purpose of getting into a relationship. To know each other and to understand each other. She thinks she’ll not be a good wife, not the right person for Nick and afraid that Nick might not be happy with her.

She asked him, “then why are we wasting anytime by being in this relationship anyway? ”

You think you are not the right person for me and bla bla, and we’re wasting our precious time if this relationship is going to nowhere. Amby told him that what she expects in a relationship is matrimony with the person she loves, whom she gave all her heart. Then he misunderstands, thinking that Amby wants to leave him. He said sorry for wasting Amby’s time. Then they talked over the phone, he kept on criticising himself and think bad things of himself (What Nick is doing is what had been done by Amby’s ex before they separated, thinking that he was not the right person for Amby and *poof* just like that).

Then Amby told him, “just tell me that you are afraid of commitment and I will leave you in peace” (Before this, Nick told Amby that she has the right to leave him and he WILL NOT dump her, ever).

Both were tensed, both misunderstood each other and both didn’t go for resolution.

Suddenly, she never expects, she never ever imagined this word will uttered from Nick’s mouth “If that so, the end”.

Terribly shocked, she didn’t want to hear anything from him again. She never expects that he will dump her. She thought the power is in her hand. It insulted her. She never imagined herself as a distress-dumpee damsel. She went away, pretending she didn’t hear the phone was ringing. She did not dare to accept the fact that she just had been dumped. Indeed, she watch football game and pretending that the game was bad and actually her heart feeling was much worse than the game.

Next morning, Nick called her twice. First time, she told him she didn’t want to answer his call as she was brushing her teeth at that time. After went through her morning routine, she checked her e-mail and there were two from Nick. He asked forgiveness from her and told her it was a mistake and he loves her so much. Steadily, Amby was searching for strength, not to be swayed by emotion. Not to be driven by her love towards him. In fact, Amby was singing Pris Hilton’s song (and that means something is wrong somewhere coz Paris’ song sucks). Trying to think logically and relevantly, she called a person who is much wiser about relationship. Cathy. She’s happily married and had been in few relationships (still the quantity outnumber Amby’s). Then Cathy concluded, she told her it was stupid things that Nick and Amby were fighting about. She told her things will be better sooner. Then he called her one hour after, and she told him that she was not ready to talk with him. She wants to talk without using so much emotion but use more logic and relevance. She wants to avoid from doing a hasty decission. She will not let her heart win over her head this time.

What she decided, there are some things that she wants to clarify with him. Like a solicitor. Asking the defendant. Right now, he still owes her an answer. He probably asleep when she asked him the question (she asked him by e-mail since she doesn’t want to swayed by her emotion this time). Time difference is another thing which affects their relationship. They have a little time to spend everyday and perhaps they should use it wisely. This story didn’t end yet. Because Amby is still waiting for his answer. And she really wants to make the right decission this time.


In football, when you make mistake, you are only given two chances.
Warning, yellow card, then OUT
What about relationship?
How much yellow card do you needed before you can give one the red card: adios amigos?
Tell me, how should I give a chance; when a person who tell me that I’m the one who’s holding the authority in the relationship, but instead he tell me “the end”?

*Valentin Ivanov, thanks for showing me how a yellow card can be used.

Akhbar kita boleh dipercayai?

Rasanya ramai yang tahu tentang propaganda dan media (moga-moga hendaknya). Sejak belajar di Plymouth ni kenalah belajar baca akhbar secara online agar tak ketinggalan dengan pengetahuan isu semasa. Cikgu lah katakan. Kena ambil tahu tentang general knowledge. Kerana sifatku yang curious ini, aku baca dari banyak sumber dan suka buat comparison bagaimana sesebuah akhbar itu perceive sesuatu isu. Dulu ada satu kes, yang aku baca di akhbar X ini, dan bila semak akhbar nasional yang tersohor dan paling cepat update di internet, tak ada langsung isu itu disebut (terbaca dari blog akhi faisal, pertembungan luar dugaan). Begitu juga hari-hari berikutnya, tiada akhbar nasional yang melaporkan tentang konflik dalaman antara 2 pemimpin paling besar di negara (one used to be a pemimpin but looks like he’s the one in charge of Msian admin). Lantas, aku bertanya kepada yang arif, dia memberikanku satu link website gosip politik di Malaysia. Then, lama kemudian baru nampak dalam akhbar Y ni. Tak tahulah kalau aku yang ketinggalan. Dikatakan agar jangan mengapikan dua orang pemimpin ini. Lepas tu, malas nak ambil tahu. Itu satu.

Pagi ni, baca dari akhbar Y tu. Satu berita sukan. Fakta dia berlainan sangat dengan apa yang aku dengar dari BBC semalam. Kalau rajin, google artikel ‘Perancis akhirnya layak‘. Dalam artikel tu, yang kononnya diambil dari Reuters, Zidane menyambut hari lahir yang ke 34 (saat perlawanan Perancis dan Togo). Pelik, setahu aku, Viera yang sambut hari lahir. Aku semak laman web Reuters, lain pula ceritanya. Klik sini untuk berita penuh. Perkara ini membuatkan aku berfikir panjang, untuk mempercayai kesahihan berita dari akhbar Y ini. Kalau benar diambil dari reuters, kenapa lain benar? Padahal reuters letak nama Viera sebagai subjek di hadapan ayat, baris ke-5. Samalah macam manusia, lain yang terjadi, lain yang dicerita.

Nota kakiku yang bersaiz 7: Semoga aku akan menjadi lebih bijak untuk memilih dan mempercayai ‘sumber’ berita.


Saat menulis artikel ini tangan masih terketar-ketar kerana demam yang berlarutan sejak 3 hari lalu…..rasanya belum terlambat untuk menyatakan simpati ini…dalam sedang diuji Yang Esa dengan kifarah yg meringankan dosa tetiba plak diberitakan kematian seorang kwn yg terasa bagai hanya sedetik dapat bersama dalam hari-hari untuk mendewasa….waktu usia yg masih muda beliau pergi meninggalkan lain-lain kawan untuk terus diuji tuhan…tak ada apalagi nak diungkap dari cerita sedih ini…

Ya Allah…kalau Engkau takdirkan aku pada kemudian hari menjadi pejuang pada umat ini dan pengamal agama Mu maka Engkau panjangkanlah usiaku….tetapi jika Engkau takdirkanlah pada kemudian hari nanti akulah yg menghancurkan dan menentang agama Mu maka matikanlah aku lebih awal dari itu…sesungguhnya aku hamba Mu yg lemah lagi takut dengan azab Mu…amin

Kepada Raja Nurshatul Zarith (1-3 Khaldun 1998-2000) semoga Allah melimpahi rahmatNya padamu….Al-Fatihah

Bila izrail datang memanggil

Pagi nirmala. Langit hening. Bayu Atlantik yang dingin berbaur bersama terik matahari musim panas. Saat aku bangun dari tidur, aku fikir aku bangun lambat. Tak sempat nak call Asmah. Balik dari tandas, tengok jam, baru pukul 10.30 pagi. Buka komputer, check e-mail, ada berita dari Athiyah; Raja meninggal dalam kemalangan.

Terkejut. Baru lepas YM ngan Kak Iqin. Tak tahu apakah perasaan ini, baru bangun, mata masih melekat, tiba-tiba mendapat berita ini. Bila orang tu dah pergi, baru la kita teringat kembali saat bersama. Arwah dulu sebelum dia keluar sekolah baik dengan aku. Dialah kawan aku speaking , sembang pasal hitzfm (sekarang hitzDOTfm), aku la tukang dengar cerita dia dengan boyfriend dia. Ya Allah. Unexpectable.

Pukul 6 pagi ni housemates semua dah keluar naik bas sebelum bercuti ke Ireland. Abah pun balik Malaysia hari ni. Flight petang. Kak Sofi nak blk lagi 2 hari. Insya-Allah petang ni aku datang markas #33, hantar bunga Kak Iqin, timbang berat badan. Kalo rajin tengok game Germany (waaaa~~Faa pun nak pergi Germany), tengok la. Dah la semalam rasa lonely sebab housemates semua pergi Ireland, Sham+comrades cathed their flight this morning. Asmah ngan Amy’s family nak depart ke London esok. Faa pergi Germany. Pagi ni pulak, dapat berita macam ni. Terkejut sangat. Dah la Kak Iqin kata “sejak dok UK ni memang selalu dia dengar berita macam tu”. Ya Allah. tak tahu nak cakap apa. Mungkin Allah nak tunjuk, sebab semalam aku rasa lonely sangat (walaupun mereka belum berangkat lagi tapi dah terasa auranya), dan berita kematian membuatkan kita muhasabah (reflect) diri. Mungkin Allah nak tunjuk, no matter how lonely you are, bila dah mati nanti, lagi lonely. You are all alone.