Honto ni itai. Especially when you are challenged mentally and emotionally. I had been sick since Tuesday. I could not even lift my head on Tuesday. Was heavy. Then I tried to treat myself. I eat although I do not have appetite. I must move, because nobody will do so for me. I must take care of my own self. Because no one else will do.

But there is one thing that makes me feel like living. I keep on writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings. Reminds me of the story of Aya Kito. Ichi namida no ritteru. Aya keeps on writing till her last breath. With tears and shaky hands, she writes. She does not give up and gain continuous support from friends and family. She knows her time is very little. But she does not wait for it. She seize her left time. She did what she had to do. And it’s my turn. I should not easily give up. Smile to tell others not to worry. Only shed tears when the pain is unbearable. I want to write. No matter how much pain it takes. Even though I tap on-screen keyboard. Even though I write short piece for hours. I want to write whatever I can.

It’s okay if you fall.
You can just get up again.
Why don’t you look up at the sky, while you’re down there.
The blue sky spreads across above you.
Can you see it smiling at you?
You are alive.

(Aya Kitou, 1962-1988)

But hey, I’m not dying. I’m just being sick and weak. I want to live longer. I still haven’t fulfill my dreams yet. I still haven’t seize my time yet. I’m having exam this Tuesday. Hai, gambaremasu!

PS: This noon Ustaz called me and told me about one of my course mates. Chai is diagnosed dengue and admitted to hospital. I hope he get well soon. Let’s banish dengue from Malaysia. Let’s take care of our environment. It takes a few bunch of responsible individuals to ensure a place’s cleanliness. We have to help our mother earth and ourselves. Gambaremasu minna san!